woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
