Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
