fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
