My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
