There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
