Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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