he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
