ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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