im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Randomize
