Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
You dont lie about slip and slides
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
