and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Randomize
