Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Randomize
