my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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