I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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