My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
