the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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