My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
