I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I'm always down for nudity.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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