oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
