Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I am puke
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
