either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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