i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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