Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Randomize
