Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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