If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
