I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
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