if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
