highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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