Just took my morning after pill in the library
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
