i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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