ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
