he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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