dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Randomize
