Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
