so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
