At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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