Don't make out with my wife yet
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
