Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Randomize
