My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
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