My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
