3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I need to calm my uterus...
Randomize
