guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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