I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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