I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
