my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
She needs sedatives and a leash
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
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