im six kinds of drunk right now
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
