can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
