Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
