Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
