WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
