Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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