Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
