I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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