I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
