those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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