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• (313): View more from Michigan

  I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.

  (734): View more from Michigan

  What'd you do?

  (313): View more from Michigan

  Its more like what im about to do.

  Fav 6 3966 957

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• (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"

  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  To a 70 year old lady?!

  Fav 20 5367 2448

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• (505): View more from New Mexico

  Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.

  Fav 4 1158 2776

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• (757): View more from Virginia

  I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.

  Fav 4 3203 1197

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• (704): View more from North Carolina

  My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.

  Fav 2 1019 615

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• (805): View more from California

  I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.

  Fav 0 737 469

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• (512): View more from Texas

  Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea

  Fav 5 685 485

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• (609): View more from New Jersey

  I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.

  Fav 3 1067 571

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• (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor

  Fav 0 705 541

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• (619): View more from California

  I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.

  Fav 3 528 430

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• (775): View more from Nevada

  It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.

  Fav 1 142 321

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• (904): View more from Florida

  I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat

  Fav 4 166 149

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• (773): View more from Illinois

  I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.

  Fav 0 66 61

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• (423): View more from Tennessee

  I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?

  Fav 2 30 59

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• (863): View more from Florida

  Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?

  (863): View more from Florida

  The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.

  Fav 0 92 14

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