my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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