How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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