i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
