I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
He's on the porch naked. Help.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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